Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Thoughts

I don't always express myself when I'm having a tough time dealing with this situation. Most of the time I put a smile on my face and bottle my feelings inside. Today I decided to write how I really feel and treat my blog kind of like a diary.

Being a quadriplegic is a full-time job. Sometimes it is difficult being me. It's not like I feel like giving up or anything like that it's just that I am tired and exhausted and bored and need some mental stimulation in my life. My psychologist told me that I am grieving and realizing my losses. What she means by losses is the fact that I don't have the stamina or ability to do a lot of the things that I used to do. It is hard not to be able to go out with my friends on the weekend and do what normal 22-year-olds are doing these days. I feel like I'm on the sideline or in the background watching people do things I wish I could be doing. I am very bored doing the same routine day in and day out without much variety. I'm hoping to volunteer this summer and also to join some sort of support or activity group in order to keep myself busy.

I am definitely a routine person and I have my own schedule and I like things certain ways. I guess you could say I am anal or OCD. It is hard having someone take care of me 24/7 and doing just about everything for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being too demanding or picky towards people because they're the ones doing things for me. I know my nurses get frustrated sometimes. I guess I have to look at it a different way. If they were doing something to themselves they would have a certain way of doing it except they don't really notice that. I feel like I don't have much independence and that I'm always being watched or shadowed. It's tough but I'm not going to let it interfere with my daily life or consume me.

A lot of people ask me "how do you do it?" or "how do you stay so positive after what happened?". The truth of the matter is that sometimes I don't know how I'm doing it or how I am so positive most of the time. One of the things that keeps me going is being able to help other people. I know I am an inspiration to many and I hope this post doesn't take away from that. All I have to say is that I'm human and things happen and I know I will get through it.

Jenni

2 comments:

Greg said...

well said...

Rai said...

I don't think this post takes away from the inspiration aspect and it may even add to that. I think this post shows a brief glimpse of what your really thinking and i do hope that you continue to do these diary style blogs more.