A "Frequent Flyer"

A walking path in my backyard

I began writing this blog post 7 weeks ago, starting with: “I have written each post this year saying that I had just gotten out of the hospital, although I’m happy to report I’ve managed to stay out of there and at home relaxing with Everett. I did have a UTI the week before Labor Day, but thanks to some quick actions of getting on antibiotics, I was able to avoid it.” In my last blog entry, I stated “… I don’t like every entry to be about me being sick or in the hospital.”

Since October of last year, I've been in the hospital 6 times. That's a lot for me and takes a toll on my body physically and mentally. I also need to miss appointments and ABLE because it takes so long for me to recover after a big stay like that. Despite what I wrote, September 23 I went by nonemergency ambulance. After some testing, they found I had case of double pneumonia. I guess I knew the first day that I went in, but soon my oxygen went down to the low 70s even on 5 L of oxygen and I couldn’t maintain it. After that, they had to slowly sedate me to keep me comfortable because I was having high anxiety, trouble sleeping and difficulty maintaining breathing. I was sedated for approximately 4 days.

In the beginning, they gave me 3 Bronchoscopy’s, a CT scan, x-ray and tried 9 separate IV antibiotics until they found a combination of 3 that finally worked. Also, my lungs needed to relax and heal. They also had to monitor me better, so they put me on one of their ventilators. I was even trying to fight their vent (meaning it was giving me 20 breaths per minute, and I was bringing it to 25.)

From the start, it was just baby steps, 1 foot in front of the other (or should I say, one wheel?) Also, since coming home, I’ve been sleeping a lot; something I don’t do enough of. I know now when my body says “sleep,” it usually means that I need to rest and sleep whenever I can. By resting, accepting help from friends and family, and gradual actions to recover, I have the best plan in place to a speedy recovery. There were signs and symptoms that went on right before, that I now realize to be something to watch out for before things get too extreme.

If you’re reading this and live outside of Minnesota, throughout the summer, Canadian wildfire smoke significantly affected the state. The worst air quality was recorded in late July and early August. Some of them were issued for multiple days at a time. I couldn’t go outside when the air was bad because of my asthma and the fact that I’m on a ventilator. I have trouble enough as it is. Not being able to get out of the house is hard enough but when it is more than a week it becomes depressing.

This past spring I started the process of applying for a new wheelchair. I’m eligible for a new one every 5 years and I’ve had mine for 7 years. It’s a long and daunting process, sometimes taking over a year for insurance to cover everything I need. First, I had to have my Dr. write a prescription. Then, I underwent a wheelchair evaluation with a physical therapist aside my medical equipment supplier. Finally, I selected which chair I wanted along with what I needed it to do.

I ordered it to recline, tilt, legs to raise, change drives (making it speed up or slow down, elevate, and other things my wheelchair now can do and more.) Insurance approved everything so far, except for the seat elevation portion. That’s what allows me to raise my chair up and down. It’s easier for people working to reach my height. I appealed it, but I’m just waiting for their decision.

Labor Day weekend my boyfriend Jay visited me from Jacksonville, Florida. We met through my blog. After his T1/T2 spinal cord injury happened in 2019, he was searching for everything related to SCI’s, and that’s when he came across my blog. He made a comment on one of my posts, I responded, then less than a year later, we fell in love and have been together since 2020. We met in person for the first time, Labor Day weekend. He’s coming on Thanksgiving and Christmas too!

Jay and I in my backyard

According to Wikipedia “The Minneapolis Institute of Art (Mia) is an art museum located in Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States. Home to more than 100,000 works of art representing 5,000 years of world history, Mia is one of the largest art museums in the United States. Its permanent collection spans about 5,000 years and represents the world's diverse culture across six continents. The museum has five curatorial areas: Arts of Global Africa, Global Contemporary Art, Asian Art, European Art, and Arts of the Americas.”

I had so much fun! The last time I was at a museum was for a grade school field trip, and I don’t remember any of it. My nurse and I went, just to do something fun besides going outside, out to eat, to the mall etc. There are 3 floors, and we barely made it through one floor, the 2^nd. My favorite painting was (1 of 4) in Vincent van Gogh’s series Olive Trees. This is a photo of me between Claude Monet’s Grainstack (looking at the photo, on the left) and my favorite painting.

Jenni

Here are 2 of my poems:

Expansive Roots

My limbs are rough, full of brown bark

despite not moving by themselves

they may falter in times of trouble

as my presence in the world matters

 

While my cracks show in harsh winds

delving deep into their structure and use

in my trunk’s importance in this world

proving I matter in the ecosystem

 

My roots are an expansive link

embedded in the dirt of Mother Earth

where I feed my self-worth within times

when I’m strongly supported by my presence

 

I am connected to neighboring life forces

stemming out reaching for provision up top

engaging with my family of surrounding trees

to construct a forest of my ancestries

 

With every breath I stretch into the clouds

as my experiences in life are deeply felt

although I have a few tangles to work out

with each year adorned with a new ring

 

My protection is my bark and layers

covering me so you can’t see

any of my tragedy or loss I’ve endured

that comes with being a dead tree

Canadian Wildfires

The city groans as it chokes on dust

exhaling gray, drifting smoke

hazy skies and air-quality alerts

obscuring the sun, covering towns

Like a curtain dropping from the sky

Canadian wildfires pollute Minnesota air,

strangling every tree in sight

spreading freely through dense conifers

A silent hold upon the once crisp atmosphere,

outdoors is forbidden for weeks

difficult to contain, as health is strained

harder for asthmatics to breathe

Embers sweep into drought-stricken fields

delicate lungs copiously cough,

hushing children’s play through the disorder,

as orange flames leave farmers at a loss

Life as a Quad VI

Being a high quadriplegic takes a lot of strength and effort for me. My mind is constantly trying to fight with what my body wants to do but can’t. Loss of mobility has changed how I live life and the way I approach certain situations. A few of the most important things that I need to keep in focus are my mind, health, and spirit.

Something that’s difficult is keeping my mind at bay since it’s the one thing I can control. Since I can’t fidget or just move around when I am bored, it takes a lot of effort to just sit there and do nothing. For most people, they may enjoy that “quiet time” or break in their day. For me, it is difficult to just lay there doing nothing as I’m constantly thinking about something.

I read a paragraph about “checking in with yourself” online. It says the “strategy of checking in with yourself is a conscious effort to understand and acknowledge your current state of being. This strategy can involve several practices like mindfulness, journaling, or simply taking a quiet moment to reflect on your feelings and thoughts.”

I found that it was comparable to my situation. I’ve heard of many quadriplegics who might experience emotional and behavioral problems after a spinal cord injury. This can include feelings of sadness, anxiety, or clinical depression. For me, I have experienced all these emotions, and more, at some point over the last 26 years since becoming paralyzed.

After my mind, well-being is what I try to concentrate on. It’s not easy balancing everything, including my spinal cord injury. I’m constantly fighting with what my mind wants to do compared and what my body wants to do. Most days it’s not the same thing, and it can be frustrating and exhausting. Not to mention the trying to “not do” everything I want to. That includes going places, doing as many activities as I want, and being outside every day.

Over the last few years, I’ve slowed down in what I’ve been doing day-to-day. Although I feel strong inside, I wear down more easily. I find I can only be out somewhere for only a couple of hours before I’m exhausted or my social battery runs out. Often, I feel overstimulated, leading to stress and anxiety. In rare occasions, I need to remove myself from the overwhelming environment.

Some common triggers for crowd anxiety include the level of noise, activity, chaos, or the fear of not being able to leave quickly. This happened to me this year when I was at the Minnesota State fair. The crowds of people around me and not being able to find ways to tell others to “move out of my way” became an issue. I had to go into the bathroom, which had multiple stalls, but had cool air and less people. On that Sunday, August 22, 2024, it set a record for the most people being at the fair, at 256,015.

Adjusting to life after becoming paralyzed has been challenging, involving emotional, physical, practical, and psychological feelings. I’ve experienced physical limitations and emotional distress that can make daily activities more challenging than usual. One thing I try not to do is push myself too hard. Even though it’s not easy for me, I have realized over the years that it’s okay to take breaks and give myself time to heal both physically and emotionally. 

Jenni

Overdue Update

It’s been a while since I’ve written an update. The biggest news is my accomplishments at ABLE. I know I’ve written quite a bit about it, but the exercises that I have been doing have helped me in big ways. I still do the same ones but have improved in length of time and structure. 

After hooking up the electrodes to my abs, obliques, lower back and between my shoulder blades, I’ve been able to successfully sit on the side of the mat by myself without help. The PTs that I work with just sit down and keep their hands close to me in case I start leaning over. It’s also helped me be able to sit forward in my wheelchair without help to get my back brace and my sweatshirt on and off. This also includes stretching my back.

To recap about what electrical muscle stimulation (E-stim) is, it can be used to help treat pain and heal injured, weak, or diseased muscles. Electrical currents may help improve blood flow and stimulate the muscle fibers or nerves. They also use it on my arm’s, and then move them simultaneously into bicep/tricep curls, along with forward reach and grasp (essentially moving my arms forward and then backwards.) 

They do each set for about 10 to 12 minutes at a time, then I take about a 3-5 minute break between each one for 1 hour. With my abdomen, the stim runs for an hour also, and then I move myself side to side and back and forth. On Wednesdays is when I do stim on my abs and then move myself side to side, and on Fridays I use a bicycle that moves my legs and then stim on my arms. 

Each session wears me out completely, and I usually need to take naps after. Then I get into bed earlier and go to sleep earlier. It’s a big workout for my body, especially being paralyzed from the neck down. I’m very lucky that I have feeling, and can tell which muscle I am using, tightening it to move the way I need to. It really helps with ABLE.

I’ve also been obsessed with writing poetry. So much so that writing my book and inserting posts on my blog have been put aside. I go on the website at least twice a day, finding topics from contests to write about. Sometimes, I feel guilty for not writing my book or my blog for so long, but I’ve been improving my writing skills a lot lately with writing my poems. I would like to publish a book with poems I’ve written in it. I have posted my most recent ones below.

For quite some time now, I’ve been having bad neck pain. Talking with my therapists and doctors, neither could locate the source of it. After dealing with it, I finally made an appointment with my neurosurgeon. Tuesday was one of the longest I’ve had as far as appointments go. I left my house at 12:30 PM and didn’t get home until almost 6 PM. First, I had an MRI then a CT scan, then saw my doctor. Since I can’t have anything metal on me for the MRI, the respiratory therapists there needed to change out my trach. Mine has metal in it; they also changed from my ventilator to an MRI safe vent.

It was a very uncomfortable and difficult time but needed to get done. The results were good and bad. Good in that they didn’t find anything that would cause any harm, like a bone spur or my bones to be digging into muscles. Although, bad because it didn’t explain why my neck is hurting. My doctor thinks it’s hurting from muscle or nerve pain, which is what I thought as well. It’s also a thought that my wheelchair needs to be adjusted and that may be the cause.

For now, I’ll continue to do as much adjusting as possible to avoid it. I’m grateful for ABLE as it has been helping with my balance and moving. I’m also glad that I came across the poetry website so I can increase my creativity in writing and use that while writing my book. Hopefully soon I will get back to my book and finally be able to share it with all of you. In due time!

Jenni

Here are some recent poems I’ve written. Enjoy!

When Everett saw me

I was only gone for the day,

when I came home, Everett saw me,

he ran towards my footrest,

climbing his way onto my lap

Ever since that day happened,

he’s found his way up several times,

I don’t know how he can jump that high

but I was smiling ear to ear

There are many more moments,

in which my dog has made me happy,

but learning that he recognizes 

that his mom in a wheelchair, tops all

My Dog Everett

One ear up, one ear down

zooming around the yard

bouncing in the snow

with no place to go

Barking at the TV’s

and the squirrels in the trees

playing fetch with his toys

making all sorts of noise

Loves every dog he meets,

including the people he greets

if he could have his way

he would play all day

Everett is his name,

he likes to play all sorts of games,

a Chinese crested powderpuff

and he thinks he’s really tough

Oh, to fly

I wish I could fly like a butterfly,

soaring high into the open sky

with invisible fences around me

feeling the fresh air on my wings

I would fly to many places,

above the earth’s green grasses

go sailing in between the clouds,

dancing with the stars and sun

Since I can only imagine flying

I’ll close my eyes and think of

taking flight into the unfamiliar

finding a stick to land on to

the hot sun shines down

on a wild goose in water

soaking up its twin

Celebrating Milestones

Looking back, I had no idea how my life would turn out after my accident. At the time I was so focused on surviving that I didn’t have time to think about it. Although my positivity about moving forward has helped in many ways. Big or small, I’ve experienced many ups and downs, good and bad times.

Today marks the 21st anniversary of my car accident. Marking the day of my anniversary has always been a celebration. It’s my way to commemorate living, grateful to be alive after what happened. That also involves the obstacles I’ve overcome throughout my journey, including milestones.

According to an article about milestones in SWnewsmedia.com, a milestone is “an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development.” Whether a milestone is “big” or “small,” depends on the meaning that’s attached to it. For example, milestones could be birthdays, achievements, anniversaries or even a baby’s first steps.

Why is it important to celebrate milestones? It’s good to note the growth, progress and accomplishments that can influence people’s lives. Milestones can be a sign of triumph over challenges and can contribute to developing healthy self-esteem. 

Celebrating milestones isn’t just about having a party, it’s a way to show people that they matter and that their lives have meaning to others. How people celebrate milestones varies. You can even celebrate your own triumphs and milestones. Oprah Winfrey says, “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”

In my case, it includes my anniversary, reminding me of the struggles I’ve overcome afterwords and along the way. Recognizing my milestones gives me a chance to look back and see what got me to this point in life. Another opportunity to think how, moving forward, I want to best serve the rest of my life.

I’m thankful to the people who have helped me throughout the way. This includes family, friends, nurses, hospital staff, etc.

Jenni

What about you? What milestones are you celebrating?

Here’s a challenge: Take stock of the milestones you already celebrate along with some that you might want to add to your life. Why are these milestones important to you? How do you want to celebrate them and who will be included in your celebrations?

What's new?

I’m now a proud aunt to a 3rd baby girl! On October 16, 2023, Emersyn Scott Steinman was born. Sisters Avery, 10 and Madilyn, 3, are happy to have another sister. Now I have another niece to spoil! I shared some pictures below. Also, my birthday was the 19th. I didn’t do much, except have some cheesecake after dinner. I don’t eat many sweets, so that’s a big deal for me. Although I do love cheesecake.

Emersyn and Me

Emmy

Madi, age 3

I’m so glad the pandemic is pretty much over. It’s allowed me to get out of the house more. That especially means ABLE, which I have been working hard at still. I believe being able to go to Sister Kenny twice a week has been one of the most beneficial things for me. Not only physically, but mentally as well. Being able to focus and connect the two is vital, especially for someone with a spinal cord injury. It also feels great to get some exercise.

I remember back when I was talking about how much water weight I had gained, causing edema. After being in the hospital in the beginning of March 2021, I wrote about my progress. The following quote is from a blog post I did August 9, 2021.

“Since being in the hospital to try to find the source of my edema, I’ve lost over 20 pounds of fluid. I guess they were right about my seizure medication being the source of my water weight gain. I feel so much better, and people have been noticing a significant difference as well. There is more fluid that I could lose over time, and I believe ABLE will help with that.”

After weighing myself this past Saturday, I can successfully say I went from 190 pounds before the hospital down to 134 pounds. That’s a total of 66 pounds, and I’m pretty sure most of it is water weight. I’m not trying to lose anymore, as I’m feeling healthier and better. I really notice a difference from the pictures I shared above with Emmy and the ones I shared in 2020 with Madi when she was born.

Jenni

Here are some recent poems I have written:

Feeling Pain

Pain walks into my life

needing more than I can give

no matter how loud I scream

it doesn’t ever want to leave

Like a homeless dog

who comes to the back door

wanting nothing more than help

not able to give it attention

Unlikely to leave me soon

I’m forced to feed it even more

finding a space within me

might take some freedom away

Lights flicker when I leave

any room between the gates

showing just how much I feel

like it will never be the same

An unbearable task at hand

I’ve come to an agreement

I seek for freedom to live a life

where doors are always open

Opening up

Something came into the world,

changing me, broadcasting out

ways I would have never known,

without experiencing this time

Feeling the movement growing

seeing strength outside the plain

breaking open, becoming bigger

I step beyond limitations aside

Using a footstool to reach higher,

diving into an ocean of beauty,

ripples spread, touching others,

giving eyes to see and ears to hear

Shedding away, opening my core

grateful to be alive during this time,

allowing an experience to view

vulnerable sides showcasing time

Newest Update

Since my last post, I was back in the hospital for another respiratory infection. It wasn’t pneumonia, but it was bad enough for me to be admitted. I went into the emergency room and was admitted on August 5, then was discharged on August 9. They sent me home for 2 days then I was back in the ER on August 11 for 6 days. The reason I went back into the hospital was because my mom, nurses, and I all repeatedly told them I wasn’t ready to go home, but they kicked me out anyways. 

Before leaving, I was still feeling sick and having all the same symptoms. Although the hospital said, “they recommended that I continue current antibiotic measurements and that I could do that at home under the supervision of my nurses.” I’m feeling much better now and have been healthy since. I went home with a PICC line (it’s like an IV, but it is a type of catheter to access bigger veins.) It can also be left in for a longer period, but there is a dressing on it and needs changing once a week (mine was by the crease of my elbow.)

One thing that happened this time is I also had issues, although it wasn’t with my wheelchair, but my ventilator attached to my wheelchair. My vent plugs into my wheelchair which charges it and is also like an “external battery” for it. The vent internal battery lasts about 30-40 minutes and when it’s running off my wheelchair, it lasts as long as my wheelchair battery is. At some point at time while I was there, my vent started beeping “low battery,” so we used the plug-in to the wall instead.

Before I went home, I had to have the wheelchair company come to the hospital to figure out if they could fix whatever was broken. He found that the converter box (a black box that the wheelchair battery and ventilator battery plug-in to) was crushed. I’m sure at some point when I was repositioning in my chair, I must have leaned into it. Then, over time the box continued to break down and it chose that moment to quit working. Anyway, at first, he said they would have to order a whole new one, but then she was able to fix it on the spot. About a week later, someone came to my house and replaced the box.

Since being home I’ve been staying low key, writing poetry, getting outside, taking Everette for walks. I’ve also been continuing to go to ABLE whenever I can. Nursing lately has been a little spotty and it doesn’t work to go on days when there isn’t one. The best part about going is learning new things and gaining more movement. I took a video of my latest progress and will share it in a separate post. I'm always amazed at myself and have been told that by others.

If everything works out, I will continue to go there as long as I can. Nothing can stop me from reaching my dreams. Over time I have gained more arm movement and core balance. The one thing that stops me short on some days are my arm exercises. I get major pain in my neck and arm sockets. It could be a combination within the arm exercises and my wheelchair. I’m planning on seeing a doctor about my arms coming up soon.

The most exciting news since my last post is that my sister is due again in October. Now I will be an aunt to 3 girls!

I am hoping to update sooner than 4 months, as my posts have become longer and random. Although every day I’m new writing poems and entering them into contests. I have shared some of my recent ones below. Thank you for your patience.

Jenni

Natures Grace’s

Sunlight dances piercing through cirrus clouds

rays of light shine causing shadows to scream loud,

Like molten cream the sky is full of many hues

emitting molecules scattering violets and blues

Feeling a heaviness lumbering tirelessly through

evergreen trees that stick together like glue,

Strong roots run deep entangling underground,

sending secret messages beneath the loamy ground

As brisk breezes brushes across center retrieves

running its fingers between the crimson leaves

Lifeforms unpredictability like ribbons of sound

breathing in the crisp air from oxygen around

Times when there are changes between seasons,

with lessons at the same time as life’s reasons

Tapestry of nature whispers secrets in the streams

carrying them around Earth’s beautiful bright beams

Crossing an Intersection

At an intersection to cross the street

when the light turns green “what should I do?”

I’m in a wheelchair trying to be discreet,

I wish I could walk when the sign tells me to

There is no wheelchair symbol flashing,

just words saying “walk” or “don’t walk,”

when I see that I just start laughing

there should be a voice that starts to talk

Wondering what people would think,

if there were words saying “roll” or “don’t roll,”

they might get a kick or need to rethink,

maybe they’d get confused or lose control

Figuring out how to have it both ways,

for walkers and rollers lessening the confusion

there could be a custom-built phrase,

saying “cross” or “don’t cross” for inclusion

Who is following me?

Getting smaller as I charge for it,

growing taller as I walk away,

constantly creeping beside me

lurking in my every movement

Shifting shapes in the sunlight

dimming within the moonlight

learning to accept the fact,

that I can’t get away fast enough

Feeling fearful and empty inside,

it always has a hold of my sight,

despite all the dark there is light

behind my shadow to show itself

Accomplishments

I’m heavily involved in the spinal cord injury world, as my focus is to share information about research going on, resources for information, and creating content for others to learn more about what it’s like as a SCI survivor. Hence the reason why I write blog posts and volunteer so often. As in my last post about becoming an ambassador, I am an advocate for people with SCI and others within the community.

As an ambassador, MSKCT has provided me with a wide range of free, #researchbased resources to help #SCI survivors, family members, and others looking for information, including a toolkit for my position. To learn about the ways #SCI impacts depression, bowel function, sexuality, and more, visit https://msktc.org/sci. You can also learn how to become an ambassador if you visit their website, without adding SCI at the end.

My mom and I recently did a video interview with the Morton Cure Paralysis Fund (MCPF). “In 1995, Peter Morton broke his neck in a bicycle accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down and unable to breathe without a ventilator… Now, twenty six years later, with the help of dedicated donors and volunteers, MCPF has raised over $5 million for cutting-edge research in the United States and around the world.”

Devastated by the tragic accident, friends turned their hurt into hope. With little more than a dream, That All May Walk Again, they launched a small golf tournament in Morton’s hometown to raise funds for spinal cord injury research—and the Morton Cure Paralysis Fund (MCPF) was born.

Lately, they’ve been doing podcasts on all different platforms, interviewing others with SCI and people revolving around. During our video, my mom and I answered questions related to and about our experience after my spinal cord injury. It recently launched on YouTube and their website. You can view it by clicking on this link.

My biggest focus right now is on finishing my memoir for others to read. I’m hoping that it helps people along with sharing my story with others. Since I’ve been writing poetry, it’s been an easy way for me to develop my writing skills. It helps with creating in-depth content, metaphors, images and more. I suppose that’s why I haven’t finished it yet. I have been so into writing poems that I’ve kind of put my memoir aside. It’s difficult to not write poems, since I subscribe to the website.

Jenni

Writing and Poems

I’ve been creating some new poems lately. There’s a website I came across called All Poetry. It’s kind of like Instagram, only except posting photos and videos, you post your poetry. Then you can like and comment on people’s poems. You can also follow people and on your homepage other people’s poems pop up.

Even though I’m on Instagram, I don’t look at it often. In fact, I guess I don’t really go on Facebook that much either. But I am really interested in this poetry website, as I find the poems to be very creative. Some are inspiring, deep, or about people’s lives. In the last couple days, I have created four new poems. I posted them below.

I think the combination of writing my memoir, thinking about writing a blog post, and the website has gotten my creative juices flowing. Also, I have a lot of ideas in my mind right now about things going on, my accident, and myself. It makes me feel good to write, whether it’s for fun or for something specific. I also just love writing in general.

I suppose that’s why I’m so excited to get my book finished. Not just for others to read it, but for that sense of accomplishment. Since I don’t work, I spend my days working on my computer, going outside, playing board games, listening to audiobooks, organizing etc. I keep myself busy, although it does feel good when I finish something that I have been working on.

Jenni

A Night of Terror, a Life of Gratitude

It happened in an instant, a sudden car accident that only takes seconds but lasts a lifetime. Going 60 mph on an off ramp, single car rollover, landing back on all four wheels. No memory of it; no hearing twists, blows or shocks my body endured before, during, or right after. Witnesses behind come to our rescue, not knowing what to expect. Fire truck siren blaring, ambulance whaling, police car yelping, helicopter blades whooshing coming to take me away. Kept highly sedated, not knowing what happened until a week afterwards. Sustaining a C1 C2 spinal cord injury, paralyzed from the neck down, ventilator breathing for me. Throughout my journey, finding what’s most important in life, realizing things happen for a reason.

Timeless War

Reality in life

Can be of strife

It pains to say

That things are this way

Struggles throughout

Have many in doubt

Soldiers marching along

While remaining strong

Nothing appears as it seems

Only in our dreams

It may be safe inside

Looking beyond many have cried

Despite that feeling

We are healing

As things move through

Loss is few

No Silence

In my life there is no silence. Even when I am the only person in the room, there's always a constant flow of noise inserting into my ears, getting trapped inside my head. A whoosh of air going in and out, in and out; it is an everlasting hum that can be heard throughout the house. My ventilator breathes for me. Requiring electricity to run, it is an energy sucking, life-saving machine that never stops going. Power is essential. Electrical currents flow out of the outlet, up through the thick gray cord and into the machine. In and out, in and out; filling my lungs with air; oxygen running through my body; giving me life. It is a process that never stops, never sleeps and is never quiet. In my life there is no silence.

My Lifeline

My lungs are expanding, in out, in out

I feel my chest rise and fall

I am one with the vent

It's breathing for me

The sound is like an airplane flying ahead

Colored lights flash across the surface

Attached to me always

It flows through me like wind through trees

Writing My Memoir

I’ve always thought about writing a memoir about what happened to me and my journey throughout life, especially since I love to write. It would also create connections and hopefully bring joy along with inspiration to others. I already have many ideas and have even started organizing chapters. I know it takes a lot of time, effort, dedication and skill to write a memoir. Although I have a lot of time, since I’ve been waiting for my knee to heal before going back to ABLE. Also, I have a whole blog full of posts in which I can use for ideas and inspiration.

I’ve been researching online about how to write a book and get it published. I have also been contacting people I know that have written books and memoirs to see how they went through the process. At first, I thought of using a ghostwriter. This entails having someone else write it for me. They would interview me for 3 to 5 hours, gather as much information as they possibly could and then write a first draft. After, I would read it and add or take out anything I didn’t want in.

There are some pros and cons to using a ghostwriter. If I was in the position where I have been wanting to write a book but just haven’t been able to get it done, then I’d consider using a ghostwriter. They can turn my ideas into a publishable draft if I was at the point that writing it on my own was not going to happen. It also saves time, because they can get it written within 4-6 months. 

However, since I’m just beginning the process, I’m not at that point right now. I’ve read that there are some downsides to going this route. I saw that there could be a fair amount of plagiarism. Plus, nobody knows my story like I do. Even if they interview me, the book may come out being something different than I want it to or expected to be.

I’m not sure how long it will take, but I’m hoping that by using my time wisely and slowly working on it, bit by bit that soon enough a first draft will be created. Then with the help of an editor to put it together in a way that makes sense, a final draft will be completed. I’m not sure how many chapters I’m going to write yet. Some people have told me that the shorter the book, the better the read. Others said to just write your story and whatever comes out will be great.

Please feel free to comment if you have any suggestions or ideas for me. Remember, when you make a comment, it’s not going to show up right away. I need to moderate and accept it beforehand. I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

Jenni

Showcasing Abilities

I remember this video like it was yesterday. Even though it was almost 7 years ago, I still feel the same to this day. I talk about showcasing the abilities of people with "dis"abilities. It's a concept that I've been sharing with others since my accident, especially during my public speeches. Also, a constant reminder to those around that there are misconceptions about those with disabilities. It’s about what disability means to me.  

Jenni

Recent Hospitalization Due to Fluid Retention

 At the beginning of the month, I got Botox injections in my neck again. I’ve talked about getting it in the past, and how it’s benefited me. I do feel a difference once they give me the injections. My muscles get looser, I’m able to move my head more and I don’t have as much pain as usual. The downside to getting Botox is that I need to get it every three months for it to be effective. Also, for me, my neck gets tight so quickly that it only really lasts about a month.

A few Thursdays ago, I had a video appointment with a nephrologist. Over the past couple of years, I’ve been talking to several different doctors with all types of specialties, trying to figure out why I have so much edema (fluid retention). Most of them have narrowed it down to one problem, low albumin. Here’s a definition of how low albumin causes edema. 

“Proteins in the blood tend to pull water into our blood vessels (acting like a "water magnet"). When the level of protein in the blood is low, water may leave the blood vessels and collect in the tissues. Water in the tissues is called "edema".” I’ve done multiple tests that look at where I might be losing protein, since I eat enough of it and also drink a protein shake a day. There is medication that you can take to help raise it, but I haven’t gotten to the point yet.

One way to shed the water from my tissues and help with edema is to take potassium-sparring diuretics. They are designed to help reduce fluid levels in your body, without causing you to lose potassium, an important nutrient. Although one side effect to going on a diuretic (otherwise known as Lasix) is that it can cause low blood pressure. In fact, many people take it to lower their blood pressure as they cause your blood vessels to relax.

Unfortunately, due to my spinal cord injury, I have low blood pressure. I’m actually on a medication to help raise my blood pressure, so going on Lasix is a huge risk to me. Although the nephrologist that I spoke to said that since I basically tried everything to help get rid of my edema, she would want to see how my body would react to me going on some sort of diuretic. In order to do so, she wanted me to go into the hospital electively and they would be able to monitor me closely while attempting to shed all the fluid in my body using diuretics through an IV.

They happened to have availability a week after my video appointment for me to go in and I would spend at least three days, if not more, to help achieve this. Afterwards, it would almost be like starting fresh, with little to no edema and she could see if I gain it back, how long it takes, and then figure out an action plan from there. I’m excited but nervous at the same; I want it to work, but I don’t know what side effects I’m going to endure. 

**The beginning post was written the day that I went into the hospital, but I never got a chance to post it. Here is an update after being in the hospital.

Upon arriving, I was admitted to a floor that specializes in nephrology. I also met with neurology, cardiology, internal medicine, endocrinology, infectious disease, pulmonology, urology, and the general doctors on the floor. Each doctor looked at different parts of my situation to try to rule out what could be causing the swelling.

As each day was passing, they became closer to narrowing it down to what it wasn’t and what it could be. I spent a total of 12 days in the hospital, more than I expected, but enough for them to narrow the problem down to two reasons. One would involve neurology, and due to one of my seizure meds and the other involve cardiology, and due to a rare condition.

They took me off one of my seizure medications called Depakote and wanted to follow-up with me after a few weeks. This would be to see if it would help with me losing some of the water weight. After being off it for a few days now, I think it’s helped a little bit. I noticed that I’ve been peeing a lot more, which is a sign that I’m losing fluids.

If this doesn’t work, then the only other thing they narrowed it down to is a rare condition called capillary leakage otherwise known as Systemic Capillary Leak Syndrome. It’s when fluids or plasma leaks out of your capillaries into your tissues. It results in low blood pressure and can be dangerous, if not treated. The reason why it’s so rare is because there are not very many known cases of it and there is no known cure.

I’m hoping that it’s just my seizure medication and not the latter. Although since being off the medication, I have seen an improvement in my weight, so that’s a good sign already. I will keep you updated as time goes by.

Jenni

Journal History II

In 2012, I created a new series on my blog based off journal entries from my CaringBridge website that I started after my accident. The first post shared entries from November 5-17th. I thought I would write another post continuing from the last. This one starts November 17th and ends with December 3. If you want to read the first blog post in this series called Journal History I, click here.

Sunday, November 17, 2002 at 09:36 AM (CST)

We would like to devote this journal entry to educate you about Jenni's injury and present physical condition. Jenni suffered a compression injury to her neck, specifically her spinal cord in her cervical vertibrae, (C1-C2), at the base of her neck. As a result of this injury, she does not have voluntary control of any muscles below this point, including her diaphram. She is on a ventilator to provide her breathing. Above the point of injury, she is completely functional with the exception of her voice. The ventilator tube enters her trachea below her vocal cords. 

Eventually she will learn to pass air across her vocal cords allowing her to speak with sound. At this time there is nothing surgically or medically available to repair spinal cord damage. None, partial or full regeneration of the nerve cells may happen, but only time will tell. You can learn more about her type of injury by visiting www.spinalcord.org. We hope to move Jenni from HCMC Peds ICU to Gillette Children's Hospital in St Paul for rehabilitation as soon as we get the ok. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2002 at 11:09 AM (CST)

We wanted to keep Sunday's journal as current for a couple of days to provide you with an overview of Jenni's injury and physical condition. We hope someday we will be able to make a point changes to that entry. If you have not seen the entry, click on past journal entries to read it. 

The Hospital Staff and Family are busy preparing Jenni for her transfer to Gillette Children's Hospital. It is still unknown when that will happen, but we are hoping for later this week. Today the OT's will get Jenni in a chair again. It is important her body learns to adjust to a more upright position. All in all she is in good spirits, herself looking forward to the move.

Again we thank everyone for all you have done. We cannot get through this without the tremendous support you have given. "Together". God Bless.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002 at 07:49 AM (CST)

Good morning. A couple of things happened with Jenni yesterday. She got to sit in a chair again..a full half hour! Today she is scheduled to sit again, only this time she may go "mobile" and get to see out a window. 

Jenni also received her long- awaited new trachea tube. This one is much smaller and much more comfortable for her. A speaking valve was temporarily installed, and she worked her vocal cords for about 15 minutes. It was nice to hear her sweet voice. 

Today is packing day for the family room. We are scheduled to move to Gillette on Thursday morning. 

Thursday, November 21, 2002 at 07:41 AM (CST)

Moving Day! This morning Jenni will be transferred from Hennipen County Medical Center to Gillette Children's Hospital in St Paul. Gillette is on the 4th floor of Regions Hospital. Today we will be busy learning more about the Hospital, the routines, parking, visitor hours, and meeting new people.

At this time we do not know the room Jenni will be in, a phone number, or when visiting hours are. Please allow us a couple of days to get settled before visiting. We will let you know the details of visitation, etc on Friday.

Thank you again for helping us through the last 3 weeks at HCMC ICU. We know we have a very long road ahead, but knowing you are all "Together" with us, we feel strong enough to make the journey.

Friday, November 22, 2002 at 08:31 PM (CST)

Today was the first full day at Gillette, filled with a lot of time gathering information, and adjusting to the new sounds, etc. Jenni is worn out. She seems to be adjusting well though. Last night she had a visit from friend Jeremy and his friend Ben. They came with their guitars and put on a little jam session for Jenni. When we recognized a song by Eric Clapton, the boys seemed excited that they were hitting the right cords. Great job guys! Jenni really enjoyed the time you spent with her. Hope you boys can make the stop again. (If the tour allows it.)

At this point there has not been any sign of improvement to Jenni's spinal cord, nor does she have any sensation below the point of injury. She still requires a ventilator to breathe. Regardless, we are filled with so much hope as we look for just one little sign of improvement, and we are so thankful to have our Jenni in our lives, and in yours.

Sunday, November 24, 2002 at 09:11 AM (CST)

Saturday was an active day early, then Jenni fell asleep for the afternoon. The HHS Girl's Basketball team stopped by after practice. Coach Cos and the team brought an autographed basketball from the Timberwolves. Thank you, Jenni will treasure it forever.

Later, we moved Jenni to a wheelchair. Tessa and Nina stopped by and gave Jenni a clock that has pictures of her friends at the hour marks. Really cool. After about 45 minutes in the chair, she started to fall asleep, so we moved her back to bed. She slept the rest of the afternoon.

Saturday night was the first night since the accident that no family stayed the night with Jenni. We are confident the Staff at Gillette took good care of her. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2002 at 06:36 PM (CST)

Jenni had a great night of sleep last night! She has not slept very good since moving to Gillette. Dad stopped by the Hospital at 7:30 am and stayed with her until Lori and Kristen got there around noon. She was so happy to see us. Jen spent 2 hours in the "chair". 

She had visits from Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Speech Thereapy, Phychology, and Speech Pathoglogy. What a day in the chair! Jen got a new bed today, the old one had trouble rotating anyway. Pillows, lots of pillows, move our Jenni from side to side on the new bed. She's loving it. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2002 at 08:57 PM (CST)

Kristen writes tonight’s journal entry:

Jenni did not have very many visitors today, but wishes she had more because she was bored and there was nobody to talk to.(Except Nurses)

Jen spent about 1-1/2 hrs in her chair today and had a visit from her cousins Ben and Bridget on their way home to North Dakota. She got a visit from Bruce from the Casting Department and he made models of her legs for braces. The braces will help Jenni keep her ankles straight. She had a tough time deciding what pattern she wanted on them but she finally decided that she wanted Tweety on right leg and Taz on the left leg.

Things are going well and she was in good spirits today. We will update more on Thursday. God Bless.

Thursday, November 28, 2002 at 08:39 AM (CST)

Thanksgiving Day. Traditions. The Macy's Parade, Families gathering, dinner preparation, John Madden's 6-legged turkey, an afternoon nap, pumpkin pie, lefse, a late turkey sandwich, the wishbone. We have much to be thankful for. This year is a little different for us without Jenni home, but we have many new things to be thankful for.

Jenni is still a BIG part of our lives. Jenni still has her memories, her emotions, her Big Heart, and her sense of humor. Jenni is loved by a lot of people, family and friends, and she loves us right back. We are very thankful for this.

As you say your prayers today before your traditional Thanksgiving dinner, sneak a little "Jenni" in there. She would like that. Be thankful on this day for everything and everyone in your lives, and may God Bless you all. 

Friday, November 29, 2002 at 09:09 PM (CST)

Thanks for the Thanksgiving thoughts! Saw Jenni today, she was in a "bad mood", as she put it. She leaked she has been spoiled by nurse Tessa, who is off until Monday. She is still in good hands, but has found her favorite care givers.

This afternooon she transferred to her wheelchair. Neal, (Modifying Man), completed his work. He changed the chair so Jenni is completely mobile; ventilator, food, monitors, and suction. (Sorry, had to leave the two EMINEM posters behind-darn). 

Jenni took a trip to the shower room with her mom Lori to get her hair washed. They could use a hand -held sprayer in there.

Sunday, December 01, 2002 at 11:45 AM (CST)

We didn't forget about Saturday, it was just a busy day all around. Jenni had a lot of visitors throughout the day and they kept her active. Later in the evening she took a trip to the whirlpool bath. This was her first "full" bath.

This morning the RT removed some air from Jen's trachea tube allowing her to speak without the valve. She is doing a wonderful job of adjusting. Now she can speak at will, anytime. Soon they will remove all the air allowing air to pass over her vocal cords all of the time. 

All in all Jenni is in good spirits. Visitors really help, so keep coming when you can. God Bless.

Monday, December 02, 2002 at 07:39 PM (CST)

Jenni has made some very big strides the last couple of days. The Staff has removed almost all of the air,(actually water in this style), from her trachea insert. Picture a small tube inserted into a larger tube. In this case the small tube is the trachea insert, the large tube is Jenni's actual trachea tube. Around the small tube is a cuff, or balloon containing water. Inflated this cuff seals the trachea tube allowing air to enter and leave only through the small tube. Deflated, it allows air to enter the small tube, but exit past her vocal cords.

Jenni has found the joy of talking again-anytime she wants! She's loving it and so are we. She is surely actually talked on the phone Sunday. She called her Grandpa and Grandma Jim and Jean in Arizona, her Mom, her sister Kristen and Aunt Sandy. (We see speed dial and a headset in the near future.) 

Stop by and talk to Jenni sometime, she can't wait to show and tell you what she can do! She is so amazing.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002 at 09:59 PM (CST)

Wow! What a difference a day makes. Yesterday we explained how some water was removed from the cuff in Jenni's trachea insert allowing her to talk...freely...anytime she wanted...and she did...all day...til she was hoarse. Today they removed all of the water from the cuff. She talked, and ate applesauce, and talked more, and drank 7up, then talked about mashed potatoes and how good they would taste, then got mashed potatoes from the cafeteria and ate them, then talked about how good they tasted. What a difference a day made.

It is so inspiring to witness this amazing young lady work with this condensed version of the larger life she had been used to prior to the accident. Jenni is truly one of God's finer children and may the whole world get to know her some day...she would make a difference.

Starting My Book

After ending my CaringBridge website, I started my blog in 2008. I thought it would be a good way to develop my writing skills and put all my thoughts together. Upon starting it, I didn’t know how big it would become and how much of an impact I was making on others with my posts. After doing it for a while, I realized that with my passion for writing that I wanted to write a memoir regarding my accident and the years following.

Although with my blog underway, my daily routine and other tasks in life holding me back, I put the book idea on standby. Except lately more ideas have been popping into my head regarding it. That’s when I decided it’s time to start the process of gathering some information together. I’ve been researching information on “how to write a memoir” and began working on putting an outline together. 

I’ve saved just about every blog post I have written in Microsoft document form. I’ll probably use bits and pieces of them within it. Then it’s a matter of actually writing it, publishing it myself and then getting it out there for all to read. I know it’s going to take me quite a while to get it finished, but starting it is always the hardest part!

Jenni

Being Special

I think what makes anybody special is being authentically you because there’s only one of us in all of time. We each are special and we each are unique, all brilliant things. Just allow yourself to be that person. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Allow yourself to try new things. I think that’s what makes you special.

I would never alter the way I am to change the way others see me. If they don’t like me I can’t do anything about it because I am who I am. I’m a good person, one who loves to do the right thing and help people. Despite what happened in the past, I look forward to the future and new beginnings.

Jenni

Happiness and Joy

It’s a fact that we all want to be happy. Although happiness is a spectrum-not an absolute. While some factors that affect happiness are out of our control (genetics being one of them), there are always actions we can take to amp up our good vibes. There is a science behind our happiness levels, why they fluctuate and what we can do to boost them.

Below I’ve created a list of some things I love along with enjoy doing that help bring joy and happiness to my life:

1. Volunteering- I really enjoy helping others and by doing so I also help myself feel better.

2. Shopping- even if I don’t necessarily need anything, allowing myself to indulge in even the smallest of purchases is a good way to destress and enhance my mood.

3. Creating something artistic- whether it’s painting or making cards, I enjoy bringing out my creative side and then showcasing my work afterwards.

4. Writing- this is a way for me to let my mind go and my thoughts flow freely.

5. Trying something new- I feel more likely to maintain positive memories than negative by participating in new activities. I also end up collecting unique experiences.

6. Spending time with my dog-this is a foolproof way to boost my happiness, alleviate loneliness and bring me joy.

7. Going outside- I am happiest in nature and there’s plenty of it where I live. Whether it’s taking my dog for a walk or just sitting in the sun on my patio.

8. Laugh- they say laughter is the best medicine, and in many ways that’s true. It’s something I incorporate in my life on a day-to-day basis.

9. Take a power nap- every day I take time to take a 30-minute nap. I feel it helps boost my happiness and gives me more energy throughout the day.

10. I’m very optimistic- I believe having a positive outlook on life makes me happier and healthier.

11. Spend time with friends and family- having people around me and spending time with them gives me comfort and joy. It can also make me happier when needed.

12. Listen to music-throwing on some tunes like my favorite songs or some smooth jazz really puts me in a good mood.

13. Meditate- this helps me rewire my brain while calming down my environment.

14. Go on my computer- I use a speech recognition software which allows me to be independent. This is how I write, browse the Internet, and communicate with others.

Of course, this list is not complete. It's only just a few of the things that I enjoy doing and bring happiness and joy to my life.

Jenni

Check out my other blog post: Happiness with an SCI

One Knee Down, One to Go

I remember earlier this year that I wrote a post about my knees. Based off a new set of x-rays, my right knee is healing by itself very nice. Although my left knee pain went away, I reinjured it about 3 months ago. Despite all the measurements I took and precautions I’m still having pain in my left knee.

The last time I saw the orthopedic doctor, he gave me the okay to stand. It’s too bad because since I started to stand again, it was helping the fluid in my body to shift. But because of my reinjury I am unable to stand right now. Hopefully I will get back to it soon. The Last thing I want is to reinjure it again. Even though it is good for the rest of my body, I’ll have to stay off my feet for a while.

I’m doing well respiratory wise within the last month since my update. I had another CT scan and found that the abscess still needed to shrink more so they put me back on antibiotics. I’m pleased to say that I’m off my antibiotics and have been using a vest treatment that helps get all the secretions out. I wish I would’ve had it all along since it’s so useful. Hopefully between that and other interventions that come about I’ll stay healthy! I’m going back in a week or so to get a follow-up CT scan just to see if the abscess is gone.

Also, since returning home from my last stay at the hospital, I’ve lost about 10-15 pounds of fluid. I think because I was so sick, it was causing the ability to keep my albumin up. Now that it’s normal, the fluid in my body is slowly shifting and draining easily. I feel much better and hopefully it will continue to drain.

Jenni

Another Podcast!

"In Episode 2, we tackle one of the hardest things about being paralyzed - going home after your injury. The shock, the loss of friends, figuring out how to move on, this is what makes us the strong survivors that we are. Tiffiny speaks with four people with quadriplegia who share their story. Listen in as each tells their story."

A couple of weeks ago, Tiffany interviewed me in her podcast for spinalcord.com. She is also a quadriplegic who writes for other blogs along with the New Mobility magazine. She is very social in the disability community and even has her own blog BeautyAbility.com. I did a similar podcast for her blog in 2012 and the link is on one of my previous blog post.

Tiffany asked me questions about my injury and also my life as a quad post accident. The podcast also features interviews with three other quadriplegics all with different stories. My interview is the second one shared. Click on the link below to listen and let me know what you think!

https://www.spinalcord.com/sci-life-uncovered-2

Jenni

Having Strength

This sign hangs above my doorway. It just proves how strong I am just by the biblical meaning of my name!

I always thought of myself as being a strong person, especially after I had my accident. The strength that came about wasn’t just from physical or mental, but from others encouragement towards my recovery beyond. It gave me peace of mind knowing that there were people helping me to get through the tough processes that got me down. These are some of the reasons why it’s easier for me to help others in need get through theirs as well.

This is one of the main components to why I try my hardest to get out and do public speaking. To encourage others that no matter what happens, life can go on. That despite your current situation there may be other solutions to a problem. It brings me to my conclusion that things happen for a reason. I’ve always tried to maintain this positive outlook and share my presence in life.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve done public speaking events or spoken to others. My favorite is talking to kids; they have so many questions and are very curious. Plus I get to teach them at an early age that even though someone has a disability, it doesn’t mean they don’t have abilities as well. I have even gone back to my elementary, junior high and high school to speak.

My motto is to believe in the ability to figure things out. There will be a better tomorrow, even if it’s a struggle, be okay with it, and over time things will work out. By bringing the fun into the situation proactively, even if I have those feelings of doubt, I’m patient and allow myself to be persistent in my action as well as move past my struggles. While loving others in similar situations, I amplify and respect them; accept them for who they are and appreciate the differences.

Jenni

 

At Peace

Peace is a quiet and calm state of mind; freedom from disturbance. A sound of silent being in life that allows one to focus on stability and undeniable feeling of wonder. Giving some sense of comfort in knowing that things will and can be at ease. Something so profound in the world that may otherwise be sometimes difficult to gather, especially when chaos creeps its way through the cracks, disrupting any calmness created. It’s okay to be vulnerable; relax by making or becoming less tense or anxious. Promise to be strong so that nothing is in the way of disturbing what’s ahead.

My world is filled with disturbances from the constant flow of energy running through. Every time something or someone new comes about, it may disrupt or disturb my life. If I prioritize it on levels, difficulty being at the top and easy at the bottom, it helps me separate what is manageable. I’m at a place where I make this my mission trying not to have negativity exist. Inner peace begins the moment I choose not to allow an event or person to control my emotions. By not wasting time on what could have been, I’m able to focus on the future and what lies ahead.

This also allows me to deal with adaptation. Today marks the 15 year anniversary of my accident. My choice is to celebrate this day and look at the positive side of things. Even though it transformed my life, it didn’t change me. I’m still the same person and it only helps me see how much more I have to give. It may be difficult at times but I try to focus on dealing with it on a greater level. I want to show others not to be afraid of change; it happens every day in different ways.

I’m seeing the beauty in small things and realize that not everything in life is perfect. I want people to know that when times may be tough, not to give up. Just because your day may seem stressful or chaotic, others may be having an even harder day. Never give up because there are people who may not be as strong and are having difficulty living life. Take this time now to think about those who may be struggling with peace, change, self-esteem, lack of independence etc.

Jenni

"Train your mind to see the good in everything. Positivity is a choice. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts."
-marcandangel

Compile Post: Anniversary Day

This is a compile post of past journal entries with added new content:

Chrysalis

Throughout life you will learn

that sorrow will not remain.
You will see that it is
like a butterfly emerging
from its cocoon to make way
for greater things.
-Corrine DeWinter

When a caterpillar spins a chrysalis, does it know its life is going to change and that it's going to turn into a beautiful butterfly? When a baby is born, does it know the path that it's going to live and the life-changing moments that may occur? Change happens every day whether it is good or bad. People die, give birth, get jobs, lose jobs, graduate high school or college, etc. Some is just simply change and some is life-changing. Like an accident that changes you from an active teen to being paralyzed and in a wheelchair.

Today marks the 11 year anniversary of the accident that changed my life.  This day doesn't frighten or scare me; I don't get sad or depressed; I don't think why me or about all the "what ifs". I just live and thank God that I am still living and still hear on this earth able to live my life with this change. The accident did change my life, but it didn't change me. I'm still the same person I used to be. I still want to love and be loved. I still need friends and family to support me. I want to be an advocate for others with disabilities like me; others who have faced similar changes. I also want to show people not to be afraid of change. Because of this change I live my life differently.

My accident has definitely altered my outlook on life.  I feel very fortunate to be alive and don’t take anything for granted.  I value my life and my things more and try to do good for others.  It has had a profound effect on me.  I am a better person today because of it and have learned a lot over the past years. I’ve also met some wonderful and amazing people with whom I never would’ve met if this hadn’t happened to me. 

Every year on this day I choose to celebrate life. I always say happy anniversary to me.  It wasn’t a tragedy or a disaster; it didn’t ruin my life or destroy me to pieces; I’m not broken, damaged, or shattered about it; I didn’t have a meltdown or blame anybody else for it.  It was simply what I call it-an accident.  It was an obstacle in my life that I had to overcome.  A challenge in which I had to accomplish and believe I have done so to the best of my ability. It may be hard at times, but I'm happy and that's all that matters.

I've always felt that there was a reason why the accident happened and I survived. Maybe it was to help people in my situation or open someone's eyes to what it's like living with a disability. Whatever it may be, I'm glad that I did.  Word of advice: don’t take things for granted, you never know what can happen.

Jenni

"New beginnings start as the seed of a flower does, buried, unseen, but destined to bloom.

-Corrine DeWinter