Writing and Poems

I’ve been creating some new poems lately. There’s a website I came across called All Poetry. It’s kind of like Instagram, only except posting photos and videos, you post your poetry. Then you can like and comment on people’s poems. You can also follow people and on your homepage other people’s poems pop up.

Even though I’m on Instagram, I don’t look at it often. In fact, I guess I don’t really go on Facebook that much either. But I am really interested in this poetry website, as I find the poems to be very creative. Some are inspiring, deep, or about people’s lives. In the last couple days, I have created four new poems. I posted them below.

I think the combination of writing my memoir, thinking about writing a blog post, and the website has gotten my creative juices flowing. Also, I have a lot of ideas in my mind right now about things going on, my accident, and myself. It makes me feel good to write, whether it’s for fun or for something specific. I also just love writing in general.

I suppose that’s why I’m so excited to get my book finished. Not just for others to read it, but for that sense of accomplishment. Since I don’t work, I spend my days working on my computer, going outside, playing board games, listening to audiobooks, organizing etc. I keep myself busy, although it does feel good when I finish something that I have been working on.

Jenni

A Night of Terror, a Life of Gratitude

It happened in an instant, a sudden car accident that only takes seconds but lasts a lifetime. Going 60 mph on an off ramp, single car rollover, landing back on all four wheels. No memory of it; no hearing twists, blows or shocks my body endured before, during, or right after. Witnesses behind come to our rescue, not knowing what to expect. Fire truck siren blaring, ambulance whaling, police car yelping, helicopter blades whooshing coming to take me away. Kept highly sedated, not knowing what happened until a week afterwards. Sustaining a C1 C2 spinal cord injury, paralyzed from the neck down, ventilator breathing for me. Throughout my journey, finding what’s most important in life, realizing things happen for a reason.

Timeless War

Reality in life

Can be of strife

It pains to say

That things are this way

Struggles throughout

Have many in doubt

Soldiers marching along

While remaining strong

Nothing appears as it seems

Only in our dreams

It may be safe inside

Looking beyond many have cried

Despite that feeling

We are healing

As things move through

Loss is few

No Silence

In my life there is no silence. Even when I am the only person in the room, there's always a constant flow of noise inserting into my ears, getting trapped inside my head. A whoosh of air going in and out, in and out; it is an everlasting hum that can be heard throughout the house. My ventilator breathes for me. Requiring electricity to run, it is an energy sucking, life-saving machine that never stops going. Power is essential. Electrical currents flow out of the outlet, up through the thick gray cord and into the machine. In and out, in and out; filling my lungs with air; oxygen running through my body; giving me life. It is a process that never stops, never sleeps and is never quiet. In my life there is no silence.

My Lifeline

My lungs are expanding, in out, in out

I feel my chest rise and fall

I am one with the vent

It's breathing for me

The sound is like an airplane flying ahead

Colored lights flash across the surface

Attached to me always

It flows through me like wind through trees

My Knees

After wearing my knee brace for about four months, it felt better every day. Although I decided to get an MRI on it to make sure everything’s better in my knee. I ended up doing both knees because there’s a bone sticking out under of my right knee the outside. Based on results, my orthopedic doctor told me that my left knee is completely healed despite that it still is painful on the side of my kneecap.

As far as my right, the bone that sticks out is just the way my fractured tibia healed. That was in 2019 and what ultimately brought me into the orthopedic surgeon, when I got my first MRI of both my legs. He said that my pain I am feeling on my left leg is possibly nerve pain. I’m going to schedule an appointment with a doctor in a pain clinic that specializes in a procedure called nerve blocking.

First, they inject the injured area with lidocaine to see if that takes the pain away. If it does, then they inject it with something that blocks the nerve (basically deadening all nerves in that area) to decrease or take away all pain. I’m hoping that this will be the answer I’m looking for to stop all pain. Right now it mostly hurts when being touched which is better than before.

I stopped wearing my knee brace during the day only on ABLE days to prevent any further injury. I can’t wait to see if the procedure works. Even though I am grateful that I can feel, I’m tired of the pain I have throughout a daily basis. I will keep you updated on how the process is going and if anything helps relieve my pain. It’s interesting that I’m writing about this because I’m almost finished with a chapter in my book related to physical therapy, movement, feeling and pain.

Jenni

Working on My Memoir

I'm sure some people know but not all, but I'm in the middle of writing a memoir starting from my accident until now, with some parts that happened in the past. In order to focus fully on writing, I've been putting off my blog (which I think is reasonable since I have so much writing to do.) I have about 18 or 19 chapters so far but still have to fill them with more content.

I was wondering if any of you had any stories or things to share that I could put in it, because I don't have the greatest memory of everything that aspired either right after or throughout then until now. If you have any suggestions or can offer something to put in it, either comment below or even send me a private message on messenger. Also, if I do end up using a story that has someone's name in it, I would need your permission to do so, otherwise I could change the name to something different. Please let me know if you have anything.

Thanks,

Jenni

Opening of the New Year

Happy new year everyone! I hope you had a good holiday and New Year’s. Seems like 2022 is already going by fast, with already a week into it. I know the last two posts along with this have just been updates. Since I’ve been working on my book, my days spent on my computer have mostly been writing. Although I feel like I have gotten a significant amount of it finished. It just needs organization and structure.

Here’s a little taste of part of a chapter in my book:

    After such a life altering situation, there is a grieving process. As I lost my independence, movement, and personal space after my accident, I realized that to move forward I needed to fully process what happened to me. If I shifted my thinking right away and accepted that my situation was indeed happening. If only I thought to myself, “Even though it’s not the most ideal place to be in, but it's happening.” I believe I was tempted into putting off dealing with the unknown or just pretending that it didn’t exist.

    Over the years, I’ve set numerous goals for myself. They helped me move past painful memories and situations in which are difficult to handle. Going through the different stages afterwards proved to be a process. It was a testament of my faith and own self-healing process. Finding my own path in life, I would realize that things aren’t always how they seem. 

    Our beginning milestones in life are rolling over, crawling, walking, and talking. There are many that we face throughout life like graduating, getting married and working a new job, that we don’t count but are easily important. For me, I began gaining self-awareness, surviving disappointment, and learning a new perspective.

    I was flooded with a vast of new emotions like feelings of loss in the early days following my injury. Like many people, I was stuck wondering “how could such a terrible thing happened to ME?” I started to become paralyzed with fear for what I had underwent and lost in the beginning. To get to the accepting stage, it took not only my mom, but others around me and myself to be able to overcome obstacles that would my way.

    There is an average amount who suffer spinal cord injuries who survive past the first 24 hours. It is often unpredictable what the journey to recovery is like, but it is usually long. Some sufferers of SCI’s simply accept what happened to them right away and for others it may take days, months or even years. The feelings of people who endure grief is widespread across all planes. I realize that there were times when I went through a grieving process of losing my independence and the loss of movement/feeling.

Jenni

News about ABLE

After my appointment almost 3 weeks ago, my orthopedic doctor told me that based on the x-rays, my knee fracture is healed. Even though it still hurts, he said it’s probably from the torn meniscus that happened back in 2019. He gave me a nice knee brace to wear. If it doesn’t feel better in a few months, he wants me to repeat an MRI on it to make sure everything looks okay.

The only problem is, if it is still my torn meniscus, there is no way for it to heal unless I got surgery on it. The only reason I would get surgery is if I was using it a lot, which I’m not. Good news, I was able to get an assessment done at ABLE almost 2 weeks ago. Bad news, they filled my spot Wednesdays and Fridays. Although they were able to squeeze me in with my same person every Wednesday from 1 PM-3:30 PM.

At least one day is better than nothing at all. Plus, I’m just slowly easing back into it since I haven’t been there in at least three months. Last Wednesday was my first day back. I was able to start back right where I left off which was good. At least I didn’t have to start from the beginning. That would mean losing any of my core strength or movement that I gained previously. Although I was sore and tired after my first session back!

Hopefully I will be able to gain another day during the week, even if it’s with a different person. Even though it feels better to stick with the same people because they know the routine and the process goes smoother, I’m open to change. Years ago, and even sometimes now (depending on the situation), I wouldn’t be able to say that. Anyways, I’m happy to be back there again because I really missed it.

Now that there’s snow on the ground and it’s colder, I haven’t been getting outside as much, unless it’s to an appointment. Other than yesterday, Brody hasn’t gotten his daily walk and rolls like usual. I’ve been trying my best to do things other than just watch TV. Listening to audiobooks, writing my book, playing board games with nurses, and wrapping presents are just some examples.

Jenni

Fall Update

I will be getting my booster COVID Vaccine, and my flu shot December 1. I also contacted my doctor about getting a new set of x-rays for my left pinky and knee. I’m hoping my hand is all healed up, so I don’t have to wear the brace on it anymore. Also, it’s been a long time since I injured my knee. Last time I got an x-ray of it they told me it was no worse but no better.

I really hope it has at least gotten better because if it doesn’t heal quickly, I’m afraid I’ll lose my place at ABLE. I miss going there, getting some exercise, and making progress. Since my accident, I never thought I’d be able to do as many things as I’ve accomplished since starting the program. It’s important to me that I keep it up, especially because I felt a sense of independence and new strength since I started.

Last Sunday my power wheelchair stopped working. I couldn’t drive it, or re-position and an error code flashed across the screen that I look at to operate it. Based off the code, the company I use for equipment was able to try to figure out what was wrong with it. They thought it was the motor which would take 7 to 10 business days to order a new one plus the time to replace it and get it back to me. They took my wheelchair on Tuesday and left me with a crappy, loaner manual wheelchair.

Although they figured out within a few days that it was just a faulty wire on a control panel. The company was able to bring it back to me Thursday late afternoon. Since independence is so important to me, being without such a vital part of my life was very difficult. Because it wasn’t fitted for me, I was only able to spend roughly 2 hours in the loaner wheelchair on Wednesday morning. Thursday morning, I got up in my shower chair for an hour.

I spent the remainder of the time in bed, trying to reposition as much as possible so I didn’t get sore or uncomfortable. I realize how lucky I am to be able to move about and get out of bed every day. There was a low point in my life when I didn’t want to get out of bed for a few days, because I thought to myself “what’s the point of getting up when I’m just going to get back in bed again?” I’m glad that others intervened and got me out of that state of mind. 

It’s been five years already since I got this wheelchair. That’s the point when insurance will cover a new one, so I am in the process now of pursuing that. It took a year and ½ to get the one I have now after starting the process, so I’m guessing it will be about the same for another one. That’s why I am starting the process now.

Now that I can be in my wheelchair, I’ve been going for a walk and roll outside every day while I’m still able to. The weather is getting colder, and snow is on its way! I do take Brody out in the winter, even if there’s snow outside although only if the streets are clear. Hoping to go more places soon other than just the doctor’s office; it’s just difficult if there are a lot of people around. Maybe the mall is the best place because I can stay away from others.

Even though Christmas is 1 ½ months away, I’ve already been looking for gifts online. I prefer to shop online more than the stores because I can find what I’m looking for easier. The best time for me to order things is on Cyber Monday. Although you never really know how good it is unless you look at prices beforehand! I think Black Friday, especially for someone like me, is crazy. People wait in line for hours to try to get the best “deals” and fight over others. Also, you never really know how safe it is since COVID still exists.

I’m still plugging away at my book. Since starting to write it myself, I think it’s best this way instead of having a ghostwriter. I have found a groove and style of writing that I want it in. Hopefully I will be finished writing by next year and then I can find an editor to help me. It depends on how fast and how much time I invest into it. I believe I already written almost 10 chapters, but don’t know how long the book will be yet.

Jenni

Advice in Life

“When you hear good advice, you should do two things with it: take it and pass it on.” Anonymous

Life is full of things in which make you think about what happened and how you plan to move on from there. In my case, the biggest situation is after my accident. I had to realize what happened to me, choose how I was able to overcome my situation and move past the challenges ahead. I will admit it was very difficult. There were days I struggled to accept and see a future in which I fit into.

Today marks the 19^th anniversary of my accident. I have said before that this day doesn’t frighten me and I don’t get sad or angry. Although I do admit that I think about how my life would be if I hadn’t been so accepting to a situation that changed not only my view on life but my life itself. Thinking back, I realize that there were times when I went through a grieving process of losing my independence and the loss of movement/feeling.

It took not only my mom, others around me and myself to be able to overcome every obstacle that came my way to get to the accepting stage. For a while, I saw a therapist to help me handle all the emotions I was dealing with. Throughout the years, I have been given a lot of advice. Mostly good that I could get some use out of and some that didn’t really apply to what was happening to me.

It is nice to share how I’m feeling with people who can understand and may be going through the same thing as me. This way it’s easier to be honest and open with them. I also like creating my blog posts, kind of like a diary for me, only openly shared to anyone that comes across my site! Although it’s a way for me show others what life like is like as a quad, hoping to inspire people throughout my journey.

Jenni

Writing My Memoir

I’ve always thought about writing a memoir about what happened to me and my journey throughout life, especially since I love to write. It would also create connections and hopefully bring joy along with inspiration to others. I already have many ideas and have even started organizing chapters. I know it takes a lot of time, effort, dedication and skill to write a memoir. Although I have a lot of time, since I’ve been waiting for my knee to heal before going back to ABLE. Also, I have a whole blog full of posts in which I can use for ideas and inspiration.

I’ve been researching online about how to write a book and get it published. I have also been contacting people I know that have written books and memoirs to see how they went through the process. At first, I thought of using a ghostwriter. This entails having someone else write it for me. They would interview me for 3 to 5 hours, gather as much information as they possibly could and then write a first draft. After, I would read it and add or take out anything I didn’t want in.

There are some pros and cons to using a ghostwriter. If I was in the position where I have been wanting to write a book but just haven’t been able to get it done, then I’d consider using a ghostwriter. They can turn my ideas into a publishable draft if I was at the point that writing it on my own was not going to happen. It also saves time, because they can get it written within 4-6 months. 

However, since I’m just beginning the process, I’m not at that point right now. I’ve read that there are some downsides to going this route. I saw that there could be a fair amount of plagiarism. Plus, nobody knows my story like I do. Even if they interview me, the book may come out being something different than I want it to or expected to be.

I’m not sure how long it will take, but I’m hoping that by using my time wisely and slowly working on it, bit by bit that soon enough a first draft will be created. Then with the help of an editor to put it together in a way that makes sense, a final draft will be completed. I’m not sure how many chapters I’m going to write yet. Some people have told me that the shorter the book, the better the read. Others said to just write your story and whatever comes out will be great.

Please feel free to comment if you have any suggestions or ideas for me. Remember, when you make a comment, it’s not going to show up right away. I need to moderate and accept it beforehand. I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

Jenni

My Hand

About two weeks ago, my nurse noticed that my left hand was bruised and swollen under and on top of it, along with my ring and pinky finger. We weren’t sure what happened, but I wanted to give it a few days in case the swelling went down. After waiting, the swelling went down a little bit and the bruising started to fade some. Although just to make sure nothing serious was going on, I decided to get an x-ray of my hand.

I ended up going the beginning of last week. I got an x-ray of my left hand and both my knees. My orthopedic surgeon wanted to see how my leg is healing; it’s been about 3 ½ weeks since he told me to rest my legs along with keeping them at a 45° angle or less. The on-call doctor called me later that same day and told me that I have a small nondisplaced fracture at the base of my pinky finger. I made an appointment to see a hand orthopedic surgeon and went yesterday.

When I went today, the hand orthopedic surgeon showed me my x-ray. She told me that it was in place, so I didn’t need surgery. She recommended that I wear a hand splint for at least 6 weeks. It will probably take about 8 weeks because she said my bones are more fragile. When they put it on me this afternoon it started hurting right away, then dissipated after an hour or so. 

After about 3 ½ hours, my arm started jumping and spasming. For me it’s usually an indicator that something is hurting or uncomfortable. My nurse took it off at that point and my arms subsided. I may have to wear it on and off for a day or two so that my hand gets used to it. The orthopedic doctor told me to keep it on most of the time except when I’m washing up.

With non-displaced fractures, the bone typically stays aligned in an acceptable position for healing. The splint will immobilize the injured bone, promote healing, and reduce pain and swelling. She also recommended that I keep it elevated and apply ice to it as often as I can. I will need to just keep using the splint for longer periods of time each use until my hand starts to get used to it. Other than the stress fracture in my left knee and my fractured tibia in my right, I haven't had any other injuries to my body.

Jenni

Changing Seasons

 

“To be interested in the changing seasons is a heavier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.” -George Santayana

Cold weather helps us appreciate warm weather more-and warm weather helps us appreciate cold-weather. With the change in seasons there are so many things to appreciate. During the course of a year, we watch trees change from bare to green to orange and red and gold to brown and back to bare again. Then there’s the miracle of budding and greening all over again the next year.

“As I enjoy the change of seasons, I can enjoy the changes in my life.” -Anonymous

The above quotes and saying is from a book I have called The Daily Book of Positive Quotations by Linda Picone. As we welcome fall today, September 22, this one is from yesterday’s date about the change of seasons, but also about the changes that we go through throughout life. I found this especially significant to me, as I went through a drastic change in my life: going from an active teenager to paralyzed from the neck down in a single moment.

Throughout everyone’s journey they will experience some sort of change in life, whether big or small. Some examples are puberty, graduation, marriage, the birth of a new child, empty nesting, divorce, new job or retirement, death and more. These events may bring on stress or worry about what comes next or happiness about what the future might hold. One important part about change is how we anticipate it and react to it. Another way to prepare for changes are when we learn to trust ourselves to handle any situation.

Change takes time to get used to, whether in life or business. Don’t worry about what you may lose and start focusing on what you may gain. It’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken but maybe it’s about starting something over and creating something better. It doesn’t matter what type of change you might be going through or up against, just know that you will learn to cope.

Jenni