I found these to be quite funny. Check them out for yourself and let me know what you think:
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving probably isn't for you.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
Why do people park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why is it that when we send something by car we call it SHIPment, but when we send something by ship we call it CARgo?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
No sense being pessimistic; it probably won't work anyway.
I thought about joining the Optimists, but then I had my doubts.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you`re ahead?"
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
There are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it is pronounced?
Of course I believe in free will. Do we have a choice?
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
I went to a restaurant that had a sign, "Breakfast Anytime". So I ordered scrambled eggs during the Renaissance.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Don't take life so seriously...it's not permanent.
Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
The really nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise and is not preceded by a period of worry and depression.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, but dishwashing liquid made from real lemons?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Half the people you know are below average.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Axe me about eubonics