Lack of Motivation

It is normal for people to experience a lack of motivation in life sometimes. However, when it becomes severe or chronic, it may indicate an underlying condition that could be serious. Loss of motivation can sometimes lead to burnout, depression, etc. I’m no expert when it comes to diagnosing others with symptoms and I especially can’t attest to which people experience it worldwide. Although, I can share my thoughts about my own motivation in life.

For me, it has to do with passion, interests, inspiration, progress, etc. Also, if I don’t feel up to doing something, I might be inclined to say “no” despite what the indication would be. If that happens a lot, I may not notice it and continue going down the same path. Although if others are willing to tell me, I go back and re-evaluate to see if there’s something I could be doing differently.

Another thing that’s worked to get/stay motivated is to go over the ways I have found in the past to keep me motivated. This includes all aspects of life, projects, relationships, etc. Some ways are to set small goals to build momentum and reward myself for the little things as well as the big ones. I’ve noticed this being the most helpful when I’m writing, whether it’s poetry or for my book. (Although I suppose it hasn't helped when it's come to writing blog posts!) I stay on one task, before going to the next.

I noticed that after my accident, when there were moments when things got tough, I would either keep a positive mindset or spiral down a path of unpleasant feelings. This also came with what was going on in my life at the time. School was a big one, and even to this day lack of independence makes things tough to deal with. Over time, I learned to only take on as much as I could handle, and not overwork myself.

Jenni

Here are some of my latest poems from the last month or so:

Things Happen for a Reason

I’m at a crossroad in my journey knowing,

that the entrance to the tunnel is my only way out.

It might simply be chance that brought me here,

needing clarity in a moment of struggles.

Trying to make sure all my bases are covered,

because going backward is not an option.

As I walk down the path towards the entrance

thinking “how my life will change forever?”

After that day I never stopped to wonder

“What if I was able to go another direction?”

Realizing that “things happen for a reason,”

becoming paralyzed is the end of this equation.

Loss of Movement

My restless body stirs screaming out,

like a wanderer of burdensome shown

limbs once agile find themselves bound,

in realms where muscles falter and cease to dance

How my loss of motion brings my spirits low

in the silence of stillness my hope falters

within these confines a fire burns out

a flame once resilient that light up the dark

Whispering for the grace of movement

like gentle waves caressing the shore

though my limbs may be still my journey persists

for within still moments my strength rises

Red Wings in Winter

Beneath a tapestry of Minnesota skies

in the hush of winters icy cold woods

sitting on a branch of a snow-covered pine

a scarlet red cardinal spreads its wings

Painting a picture of a breathtaking scene

a symphony of movement from tree to tree

its wings flicker in the golden sunlight, 

feet that carve through the frigid air

Rounding Out the Year

On November 26, I was admitted to Methodist hospital for major G.I. problems. They also figured out that I had something called Norovirus (basically like the flu with some of the same symptoms, but worse.) The virus had been going around through my family, but it only lasted about 24 hours or so, making them think that it was just the flu. Since the seriousness of the G.I. problems were so bad, I was in the hospital for 10 days, getting released on December 6. I am feeling much better now, and hopefully I can avoid the hospital.

I was sad to cancel my appointments with therapy and ABLE, missing it 5 times. When I finally went back, I had to take it easy because my body wasn’t used to all the physical work. Now that I’m back to my usual routine, it’s gotten easier every time. I continue to push myself each session, leaving me with the best possible outcome. I’m loving how much I have gained by going to ABLE, including balancing upright by using my core muscles.

Since today is Christmas eve, we are having my sister, her boyfriend and 2 of her 3 kids over for dinner. Tonight, we are having prime rib and tomorrow we’re going to have turkey (basically a repeat of Thanksgiving!) Christmas Day we’ll open presents with them and all 3 kids before we eat. 

This year is unique because it’s a brown Christmas. The few snows we’ve had this year haven’t stuck around. It’s even supposed to rain tomorrow, and temperatures are higher than normal. In 2021, there was no snow on Christmas, but it’s been a little over a century since there was no snow into the first months of winter. Although I have been able to take Everett for a walk most days, which has been nice.

Other than that, I’ve been mostly writing poems. I posted some below that I wrote in the past month or so.

Jenni

[ Soft flakes lightly fall ]

Soft flakes lightly fall

carpeting the ground in white

Winter’s serene hush

A Sunset

A sunset over the lake,

where colors bleed and blend,

a canvas of nature's art,

when time appears to delay

The sky is dyed in hues,

of crimson, gold, and pink

the sun slopes below the horizon,

a moment we cannot miss

Mr. Claus

In winter's chill, when evenings are cold,

a jolly old man with a heart of gold

bringing gifts to children young and old

his name is Santa, his legend bold

With a smile, he rides through the sky,

in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, so high,

they dash across the stars, with a twinkling light,

while Santa spreads joy, on Christmas night

Celebrating Milestones

Looking back, I had no idea how my life would turn out after my accident. At the time I was so focused on surviving that I didn’t have time to think about it. Although my positivity about moving forward has helped in many ways. Big or small, I’ve experienced many ups and downs, good and bad times.

Today marks the 21st anniversary of my car accident. Marking the day of my anniversary has always been a celebration. It’s my way to commemorate living, grateful to be alive after what happened. That also involves the obstacles I’ve overcome throughout my journey, including milestones.

According to an article about milestones in SWnewsmedia.com, a milestone is “an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development.” Whether a milestone is “big” or “small,” depends on the meaning that’s attached to it. For example, milestones could be birthdays, achievements, anniversaries or even a baby’s first steps.

Why is it important to celebrate milestones? It’s good to note the growth, progress and accomplishments that can influence people’s lives. Milestones can be a sign of triumph over challenges and can contribute to developing healthy self-esteem. 

Celebrating milestones isn’t just about having a party, it’s a way to show people that they matter and that their lives have meaning to others. How people celebrate milestones varies. You can even celebrate your own triumphs and milestones. Oprah Winfrey says, “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”

In my case, it includes my anniversary, reminding me of the struggles I’ve overcome afterwords and along the way. Recognizing my milestones gives me a chance to look back and see what got me to this point in life. Another opportunity to think how, moving forward, I want to best serve the rest of my life.

I’m thankful to the people who have helped me throughout the way. This includes family, friends, nurses, hospital staff, etc.

Jenni

What about you? What milestones are you celebrating?

Here’s a challenge: Take stock of the milestones you already celebrate along with some that you might want to add to your life. Why are these milestones important to you? How do you want to celebrate them and who will be included in your celebrations?

What's new?

I’m now a proud aunt to a 3rd baby girl! On October 16, 2023, Emersyn Scott Steinman was born. Sisters Avery, 10 and Madilyn, 3, are happy to have another sister. Now I have another niece to spoil! I shared some pictures below. Also, my birthday was the 19th. I didn’t do much, except have some cheesecake after dinner. I don’t eat many sweets, so that’s a big deal for me. Although I do love cheesecake.

Emersyn and Me

Emmy

Madi, age 3

I’m so glad the pandemic is pretty much over. It’s allowed me to get out of the house more. That especially means ABLE, which I have been working hard at still. I believe being able to go to Sister Kenny twice a week has been one of the most beneficial things for me. Not only physically, but mentally as well. Being able to focus and connect the two is vital, especially for someone with a spinal cord injury. It also feels great to get some exercise.

I remember back when I was talking about how much water weight I had gained, causing edema. After being in the hospital in the beginning of March 2021, I wrote about my progress. The following quote is from a blog post I did August 9, 2021.

“Since being in the hospital to try to find the source of my edema, I’ve lost over 20 pounds of fluid. I guess they were right about my seizure medication being the source of my water weight gain. I feel so much better, and people have been noticing a significant difference as well. There is more fluid that I could lose over time, and I believe ABLE will help with that.”

After weighing myself this past Saturday, I can successfully say I went from 190 pounds before the hospital down to 134 pounds. That’s a total of 66 pounds, and I’m pretty sure most of it is water weight. I’m not trying to lose anymore, as I’m feeling healthier and better. I really notice a difference from the pictures I shared above with Emmy and the ones I shared in 2020 with Madi when she was born.

Jenni

Here are some recent poems I have written:

Feeling Pain

Pain walks into my life

needing more than I can give

no matter how loud I scream

it doesn’t ever want to leave

Like a homeless dog

who comes to the back door

wanting nothing more than help

not able to give it attention

Unlikely to leave me soon

I’m forced to feed it even more

finding a space within me

might take some freedom away

Lights flicker when I leave

any room between the gates

showing just how much I feel

like it will never be the same

An unbearable task at hand

I’ve come to an agreement

I seek for freedom to live a life

where doors are always open

Opening up

Something came into the world,

changing me, broadcasting out

ways I would have never known,

without experiencing this time

Feeling the movement growing

seeing strength outside the plain

breaking open, becoming bigger

I step beyond limitations aside

Using a footstool to reach higher,

diving into an ocean of beauty,

ripples spread, touching others,

giving eyes to see and ears to hear

Shedding away, opening my core

grateful to be alive during this time,

allowing an experience to view

vulnerable sides showcasing time

Newest Update

Since my last post, I was back in the hospital for another respiratory infection. It wasn’t pneumonia, but it was bad enough for me to be admitted. I went into the emergency room and was admitted on August 5, then was discharged on August 9. They sent me home for 2 days then I was back in the ER on August 11 for 6 days. The reason I went back into the hospital was because my mom, nurses, and I all repeatedly told them I wasn’t ready to go home, but they kicked me out anyways. 

Before leaving, I was still feeling sick and having all the same symptoms. Although the hospital said, “they recommended that I continue current antibiotic measurements and that I could do that at home under the supervision of my nurses.” I’m feeling much better now and have been healthy since. I went home with a PICC line (it’s like an IV, but it is a type of catheter to access bigger veins.) It can also be left in for a longer period, but there is a dressing on it and needs changing once a week (mine was by the crease of my elbow.)

One thing that happened this time is I also had issues, although it wasn’t with my wheelchair, but my ventilator attached to my wheelchair. My vent plugs into my wheelchair which charges it and is also like an “external battery” for it. The vent internal battery lasts about 30-40 minutes and when it’s running off my wheelchair, it lasts as long as my wheelchair battery is. At some point at time while I was there, my vent started beeping “low battery,” so we used the plug-in to the wall instead.

Before I went home, I had to have the wheelchair company come to the hospital to figure out if they could fix whatever was broken. He found that the converter box (a black box that the wheelchair battery and ventilator battery plug-in to) was crushed. I’m sure at some point when I was repositioning in my chair, I must have leaned into it. Then, over time the box continued to break down and it chose that moment to quit working. Anyway, at first, he said they would have to order a whole new one, but then she was able to fix it on the spot. About a week later, someone came to my house and replaced the box.

Since being home I’ve been staying low key, writing poetry, getting outside, taking Everette for walks. I’ve also been continuing to go to ABLE whenever I can. Nursing lately has been a little spotty and it doesn’t work to go on days when there isn’t one. The best part about going is learning new things and gaining more movement. I took a video of my latest progress and will share it in a separate post. I'm always amazed at myself and have been told that by others.

If everything works out, I will continue to go there as long as I can. Nothing can stop me from reaching my dreams. Over time I have gained more arm movement and core balance. The one thing that stops me short on some days are my arm exercises. I get major pain in my neck and arm sockets. It could be a combination within the arm exercises and my wheelchair. I’m planning on seeing a doctor about my arms coming up soon.

The most exciting news since my last post is that my sister is due again in October. Now I will be an aunt to 3 girls!

I am hoping to update sooner than 4 months, as my posts have become longer and random. Although every day I’m new writing poems and entering them into contests. I have shared some of my recent ones below. Thank you for your patience.

Jenni

Natures Grace’s

Sunlight dances piercing through cirrus clouds

rays of light shine causing shadows to scream loud,

Like molten cream the sky is full of many hues

emitting molecules scattering violets and blues

Feeling a heaviness lumbering tirelessly through

evergreen trees that stick together like glue,

Strong roots run deep entangling underground,

sending secret messages beneath the loamy ground

As brisk breezes brushes across center retrieves

running its fingers between the crimson leaves

Lifeforms unpredictability like ribbons of sound

breathing in the crisp air from oxygen around

Times when there are changes between seasons,

with lessons at the same time as life’s reasons

Tapestry of nature whispers secrets in the streams

carrying them around Earth’s beautiful bright beams

Crossing an Intersection

At an intersection to cross the street

when the light turns green “what should I do?”

I’m in a wheelchair trying to be discreet,

I wish I could walk when the sign tells me to

There is no wheelchair symbol flashing,

just words saying “walk” or “don’t walk,”

when I see that I just start laughing

there should be a voice that starts to talk

Wondering what people would think,

if there were words saying “roll” or “don’t roll,”

they might get a kick or need to rethink,

maybe they’d get confused or lose control

Figuring out how to have it both ways,

for walkers and rollers lessening the confusion

there could be a custom-built phrase,

saying “cross” or “don’t cross” for inclusion

Who is following me?

Getting smaller as I charge for it,

growing taller as I walk away,

constantly creeping beside me

lurking in my every movement

Shifting shapes in the sunlight

dimming within the moonlight

learning to accept the fact,

that I can’t get away fast enough

Feeling fearful and empty inside,

it always has a hold of my sight,

despite all the dark there is light

behind my shadow to show itself

Visit to the Hospital

Two weeks ago, I went to the Emergency Room because I was feeling short of breath, my oxygen was low, and I was having to be suctioned more frequently. They did a chest x-ray along with blood work. The ER doc looked at my x-ray and thought I had a mild case of pneumonia. My white blood count was also high, which could coincide with an infection. He put me on a week’s dose of an oral antibiotic.

Despite being on an antibiotic, last Wednesday I started getting worse. I decided to take another trip to the ER. Based on the symptoms I was still going through and results from different tests, this time they decided to admit me to the hospital. I was in the ICU for a day and ½ then transferred to a different floor. The reason they admitted me, was so they could give me IV antibiotics. Much more powerful than oral ones.

My nurses come into the hospital with me and sit by my side. Although they can’t do anything “nursing related” they can help me with things I need at bedside, along with conversation. Since the hospital is so busy, they can’t exactly assign an aid to sit in the room with me and help with all my needs. If I don’t have someone that can be there all the time, I’m stuck by myself with nothing to do.

Also, my family helped as well. There’s nothing worse than being away from your own things and environment. Whenever I admitted to the hospital, I end up bringing “everything but the kitchen sink.” In other words, packing and getting a lot of things from my house. My mom even brought me some food as ordering the same thing at the hospital can be boring.

I received more tests, pricks in my arm, blood draws, a pic line placed, along with the antibiotics and rest. I’m glad to say I bounced back quickly and was discharged from the hospital this past Saturday afternoon. After getting in my wheelchair and about ready to leave, I noticed something very critical. Within all the chaos, I forgot to bring something that would’ve been very helpful: my charger for my wheelchair.

When they turned it on, I realized it was completely dead. There was no way I was able to drive myself out of the hospital. My wheelchair can be put on a “manual mode” but it’s very heavy to push (more than 500 pounds with me and it.) Plus, there was the added maneuvering around corners, through doorways, elevator, van, and into my house. My wheelchair was facing the wall, so I sat there for 15 minutes before deciding to have them turn me around manually to at least watch some TV.

After about 30 more minutes, they turned my wheelchair on, and I was able to drive it. Although we figured out that it must’ve come unplugged when they turned me around because I had just enough juice to get in the elevator and to the waiting room. So, I had to stay in the waiting room for about 40 minutes while it charged. Luckily, I was in a bigger space with windows surrounding me. With that amount of time, I could drive myself into my van and get situated.

Although, by the time I got home, it was dead again. I was in the driveway with my wheelchair plugged in to outlets on the house using an extension cord. Figuring it would take another 40 minutes of charging, when it was unplugged, the battery was still dead! My aunt, Sandy, and my mom just put it on manual and got me into my house because I didn’t want to wait in the van any longer. Regardless, I was discharged around 2:30 PM and got in my house close to 6 PM. It was a long day for everyone.

Despite everything that happened, my health is back to baseline, and I feel 100% better. I even went to ABLE yesterday and am also planning on going tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t have any more infections, although my allergies are acting up because of the weather. The smoke from the fires in Canada are making our air quality bad, which makes it impossible for people with “breathing problems” to go outside.

Jenni

Recent poem I wrote for a contest about joy or hope:

Strangers Bring Hope

Fresh flowers placed on a someone else’s grave

showing others care for strangers in need

helping to open all the doors that are closed

bringing hope to those who are mourning

Symbolizing the frailty of one’s lifetime

bouquets representing condolences and grief

a form of ongoing memorialiazation to them

leaving something in their honor to remember

Reflection

Reflection

It’s been a busy month. As usual, we have had some snow days in April. Some have even prevented me from going to ABLE. One day we went from 80°F to the next day of 30°F. I guess that’s Minnesota for you though. We’ve also had some flooding of rivers and lakes. Even though all the snow has melted, it’s still in the low 40s. I’m not sure what the forecast looks like over the next couple of weeks yet, but we may still get more snow.

At least when it was nice for a while, I was able to take Everett out for walks. He’s been coming in to his own this past month. He still needs lots of attention and to be taken outside on leash. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where he listens to me, but I know that will come soon enough. It took Brody a couple years and to be hooked up to my wheelchair. He is a great dog, although needs some training still. He’s going to go for a “vacation” at the trainers’ house for 4 days starting tomorrow.

I’ve been reading audiobooks one after the other to and from appointments. I’ve also been keeping busy by writing more poetry. I pasted some of my poems I recently wrote below. I put writing my book on hold for a while. The format is good, but I need to write more content and that will come in time.

Jenni

The poem below is written for a photo contest based on the one at the beginning of my blog post.

Reflection

Across the river by the golden valley

stands a tree with limbs of certainty,

all gravel roads race to picture it

sunrays arrive to highlight its arches

Shapes and patterns come and go,

embracing the grooves in its bark

leaves stretch showing their veins,

while water droplets reflect light

Curving round its extensive branches

squirrels scurry to their leafy nests

whispers of the dusk draw near

all shadows from the tree disappear

Trapped

I'm like tiny bugs

caught in a spiderweb

Mind trapped in a

body that can’t move

Taking time to heal

within this brokenness

Feelings After Survival

After crash landing in an open minefield

I’m losing the struggle to regain survival,

as shadows cross my path to take me up

waiting for the hardest hours to come

Unable to bear the demons I face,

whispers of the air pass through me

tiny voices share secrets from hidden pasts,

opening canals like passageways afar

Subtle changes behind pain and agony

realizing there’s more behind the masks,

that I put on creating false representations

immersing myself beyond recognition

Now intertwined like the roots of a tree,

sinking further down feeling grounded

connecting myself deep into the earth

anchored keeping me straight and solid

Everett

Everett before I got him

After I had to put Brody down, I knew I would want another companion dog. The question in my mind was always “when.” It was more down to if an opportunity: fell into my lap like Brody did. He didn’t make the cut to be a show dog. I was talking to the breeder of Brody, and she said she would put some “feelers” out to see if the same type of opportunity would happen.

Her daughter, Audra, knew a breeder that had a girl puppy that they were already going to get trained as a therapy dog. The plans for her were to take her to a nursing home to see how she did around that type of environment. When I heard this, I immediately wanted to learn more. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out because when they brought her to the nursing home, she was deadly afraid of wheelchairs. It’s hard to say whether she would be afraid as time went by, since she was only 13 weeks old.

A couple weeks later, Audra knew another breeder that had a litter of puppies that were around 8 weeks old (this was 5 weeks ago.) Before having them go to families, they had to get tested to see if they would make the cut to be show dogs. Out of the litter, only a couple of them “potentially” could be show dogs, and the rest could go to homes. After learning about my situation, the breeder with the pups had one of them that is very loyal, independent, and smart.

I was instantly entertained by the idea of getting a new puppy. After figuring out the logistics, I decided to get him. His name is Everett, and he’s as cute as ever! I decided to keep the name, since he responds to it. He went to a trainer’s house for 10 days (a week from Wednesday.) The trainer brought him to my house on Saturday. Since he’s been here, he’s been learning a whole new routine.

His favorite thing to do is give kisses! He loves lap time with me and is even getting used to my wheelchair. I have taken him for one walk with me but haven’t hooked him up to my wheelchair, like I did Brody as he hasn’t quite got the concept of walking on a leash. Also, I don’t want to run him over either. Although Sandy has taken him for walks several times although he kind of just walks all over the place! Since he’s only 13 weeks old, he has a lot of learning yet to do.

It’s going to be trial and error for the next few weeks as we both learn a new routine. He is so sweet and very loving. He’s working on “crate time” and basic commands. Each day is a new one, and as long as I’m consistent, I know he’ll be a fantastic companion dog for me.

One interesting fact is that he’s related to Brody. Brody’s dad is his great-great-grandfather! Somehow his breeder figured it out. He also acts like him too, by just lounging over his bed like the picture above. I'm going to get him registered as a companion dog so I can take him everywhere.

Jenni

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day originated as a Christian feast day honoring a martyr named Valentine. Through later folk traditions, it’s become a significant cultural and commercial celebration of romance and love in many regions of the world. On Valentine’s Day, people on average usually spend close to $200 per person. It’s expected that Americans plan to spend nearly $26 billion today. If money could buy love, couples might have the most successful romantic relationships.

Around 145 billion Valentines cards are exchanged every year. Even kids in classrooms exchange Valentine’s Day cards. I remember when I was in grade school, handing out cards to every kid in my classroom and eating candied hearts with words on them. I’m sure that still exists to this day. That’s along with heart-shaped boxes with all sorts of different flavors of chocolate pieces inside. If there isn’t a paper that tells you what’s inside, you need to guess which flavor each one is by tasting them.

Although it’s only celebrated by about 50% of Americans, that’s still enough for places to keep producing cards and gifts for it. Even fresh-cut flowers are given as love for someone. Every year, my mom even gets me Valentine’s Day cards, along with putting sweet treats for my nurses and PCAs. I don’t eat sweets anymore; I prefer salty foods instead. Along with me not craving sweets, I’m allergic to pollen so flowers are out of the picture. 

Thoughtfulness trumps splashing the cash. What does your sweetheart love? Kind intentions. Most people prefer a gift that shows thoughtfulness and an understanding of the recipient’s favorites, hobbies, and preferences. You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on jewelry to show your loved one they are priceless to you. Be mindful this year and think about the best way to show your affection.

I do want to shout out a happy Valentine’s Day to my love, Jay. Also, to the many others who celebrate today.

Jenni

Computer Brain Chip

 Synchron says it's the first to implant a human brain-computer interface in the US

According to an article from Yahoo news, “Brain-computer interfaces have become a practical (if limited) reality in the US. Synchron says it has become the first in the country to implant a BCI in a human patient. Doctors in New York's Mount Sinai West implanted the company's Stentrode in the motor cortex of a participant in Synchron's COMMAND trial, which aims to gauge the usefulness and safety of BCIs for providing hands-free device control to people with severe paralysis. Ideally, technology like Stentrode will offer independence to people who want to email, text, and otherwise handle digital tasks that others take for granted.

Surgeons installed the implant using an endovascular procedure that avoids the intrusiveness of open-brain surgery by going through the jugular vein. The operation went "extremely well" and let the patient return home 48 hours later, according to Synchron. An ongoing Australian trial has also proven successful so far, with four patients still safe a year after receiving their implants.

It may take a long time before doctors can offer Synchron's BCIs to patients. The company received FDA approval for human trials in July 2021, and it's still expanding the COMMAND trial as of this writing. Still, the US procedure represents a significant step toward greater autonomy for people with paralysis. It also represents a competitive victory — Elon Musk's Neuralink has yet to receive FDA permission for its own implant.”

This is exciting news for someone like me, who requires the use of technology for everyday processes (including using my computer.) I depend on speech recognition software to write, browse the web, control household activities, etc. This would also give people in my situation more independence, as they wouldn’t have to rely on others to help them. There might come a day when this implant may become available to the public. 

It’s an interesting concept. Technology is always evolving and advancing. Nothing is ever going to stay the same. Companies are always working on different and easier ways to do things. According to an article on the Tech Evaluate website, “technology is evolving so fast because of a phenomenon known as Accelerating Change. Each technological improvement can create the next, stronger generations of technology at a faster rate. As each generation of technology is better than the last, it builds new technology faster.”

Ultimately, I believe massive, future technological changes are still yet to come. With every new advancement comes an easier way to do things. For someone who’s life is dependent on so many other people to do things for them, the more independence that’s out there, the easier it will be to do things themselves.

Jenni